"Up In The Air" Was a Total Lie, Or: Bernice, Live from Ft. Lauderdale International!

9:25 AM

After spending the last five days in sunny south Florida, I had a flight to catch to get home. The plan was this: 11:25 flight to Toronto, 4 PM connection to Montreal. This allowed me a buffer zone of 90 minutes to clear customs, re-check my bags, and get on the second plane. Risky, I know, but riskier airplane connections have certainly been made. When I get to the airport, the check-in lineup is four people wide, stretching around the back wall of the terminal building, snaking around corners and staircases. crap. At this point, I should add, my Toronto flight has been delayed 35 minutes until 12:00.

10:00

I get pulled out of line and asked to check in at the automated kiosk, because my flight is soon and I've made virtually zero progress so far. Boarding passes now printed, I go to the special baggage drop-off counter and the woman looks at my boarding passes and laughs at me. I smile, ask what's up, and she says in a jolly Caribbean inflection, "Dere is no way you ah makin' dat connection!". I laugh, I was already resigned to that, so she says she'll try to get me on another flight. Cool. First, though, she makes a joke that I'll first have to pay for my mistake of going to the kiosk, when I should have known that I would miss my connection. I hate when people at airports, restaurants, or school do that because you have absolutely no way to tell when they're kidding. I mean, I don't know the rules for when you express-check in to a connection you're probably going to miss, but they lady tells you to use the express in order to make your first flight that's already delayed. Anyway, she tells me that "I shouldnt be doin' dis, but I can get ya on de flight direct to Montrayal at two fitty-five. But dat means you be doin your waitin' heah instead of in Toronna because all de Montrayal flights in de rush howa ah full". That will get me into Montreal at 6:15, only an hour behind schedule, which has since long been shot anyway. I reply "Hell Yes". My flight boards at 2:15, which means I have four hours to kill in the airport! hello, Liveblog!

11:00

It turns out that there's free wi-fi in the entire airport. Sweet. This makes it way easier to kill all this time. My original, former flight to Toronto is now leaving at 12:30, which means that i would have had to get a connection at 5 the VERY EARLIEST, and every single flight in toronto is delayed. this direct flight might be the only way I get home tonight. The only goal is 9:30, in time to watch the hockey game. I really want a vanilla coke, i've only had one since i've been here.


11:30

I had two novels to buy this trip that I need for school next week. I went to a Barnes and Noble and a Borders, no luck at all. They were BOTH in the airport bookstore. the day is looking up. Toronto flight now at 12:45.

12:20

I checked my baggage at 10:15 AM for a 2:50 PM flight. I'm afraid that they're going to lose it, or they sent it on the 11:30 to montreal. - why? are we that distrustful of airports that we assume that if any thing is remotely out of the ordinary, then they're just going to screw it up?

12:50

So now, all flights in and out of New York are cancelled due to weather. uh-oh. Toronto flight just left.

1:15

Still waiting for my flight, hasn't been cancelled yet. boarding at 2:15, in 60 minutes, but the plane hasn't showed up yet. no worries, it's got time. However, i took a stroll to the duty-free and saw A BOTTLE OF PATRON FOR 35 dollars, and the gold kind for 40! what the hell? that shit is 70 bucks AT LEAST in canada, and 90 for the gold! I wanna feel like a rap star! WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT 21?!?!

2:15

just destroyed a sbarro personal pizza. feel sick. should be boarding right now, ain't for whatever reason. for a while behind me there was a french guy telling what must have been an unbelievably entertaining story, because everyone he was telling it to was screaming and laughing the whole time. he's gone now, and the mood round these parts is definitely less upbeat. hopefully boarding soon.

2:25

the plane just got here everyone is getting off this is getting really intense! people are standing up and stuff as if it'll make the plane take off faster! in other news, i'm sitting in the gate across from someone who must be a charter member of the John Calvert Look-alike club.

2:45

Boarding! Success! Five hours waiting for a flight complete! See y'all soon