Elvis Thrust: A Whimpering Introduction

So for about a month now I've hemmed and hawed. I've met most of you at this point but, whether it was the overwhelming argument about the hipster identity or the raging and torch-wielding sinophobia, I've been too nervous to post here. What if they think I'm lame? What if they think I'm not funny? What if Avatar wins an undeserved Oscar? The answer to all those questions has been the same--the end of the world, two years early.

I decided, then to just do a cop-out post as my first, a bit of stand-up that I did at King's College with some of the Picnicface peeps. To my credit, I came up with much of it in the half an hour before the show; to My Mom Thinks I'm Funny's credit, he punched up a significant number of these jokes. To his detraction, he yelled disparaging things throughout the performance, which he claimed was intentional and for my benefit; at one point, I told him to fall off a large rock onto a series of smaller, sharper rocks.

Hopefully that sets the scene.

--

So I'll start off by getting the race elephant out of the room--yes, I'm Nicaraguan. How do I get my skin to look so darned Asian, you ask? Bits of real Chinese people.

Anyway, I've always been awkward about sex. I think it all started when I was in my grade four computer class and I was trying to look up civil war history and I put in www.slavetrade.com, and out came porn, which was a real shock. It could also have been that I just didn't learn enough when I was young; last month, my friend finally told me what a tampon actually was. Apparently, it doesn't let women pee wherever and whenever they want to. I may or may not have been super jealous.

But all these things considered, the thing that I've always wanted, since I was three, is to be a sex columnist. Yes, so what if I'm a little unadventurous in bed; if a girl asks me to talk dirty to her, I would just say "I am not finding this entirely unpleasant", or "your boobs remind me of a funny story". But that's the point--I would put sex in tiny two-point font, and recommend the most conservative of positions. A sampling from Inter-of-course with Adrian Lee: "the next time your lady would like to apply the sex, consider being on top, or perhaps even the doggie-style.

But it's not for my lack of wanting to learn more, about this "sex". I've picked up every issue of Cosmo, not just because they tell me that I should be wearing boho chic this season, but because they tell me they know "what men want", and being a man, I'd like to know as well. The problem is, it's all really obvious things, like "WHAT TURNS YOUR MAN ON: you, naked!" or "WHAT YOUR MAN IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR: if you touch his penis!" It's disappointing, really, albeit true.

Well, goodbye forever!